Written by: Cherry Kivumbi
No matter your age, ethnicity, background or experience, we are always trying to figure out who we are.
What makes us tick? What resonates with us? And most importantly, we are trying to navigate our identities.
The journey of self discovery can be a beautiful experience. However, this experience can feel halted when someone tries to tell you who you are.
A couple nights ago, I was in a hotel lobby grabbing coffee. A gentleman, in a brisk jog, runs from the elevator hoping to grab the last pot of coffee. Luckily, he made it.
We start chatting about life and before he leaves he says, “Well sir, it was great talking…”
Only one problem, I am not a sir.
Feeling very embarrassed, he quickly catches his mistake and says, “I mean MA’AM. It was great talking with you ma’am. Have a goodnight.
If I had a dollar for every time this happened, I would be on a yacht by now.
I chuckled and said, “You too.”
Why did I say that? I should have been more mad, more offended. I am a woman wearing loose clothing. It’s so obvious. How dare he say that.
But instead of any of these thoughts crossing my mind, this conversation actually triggered a time in my life where I was not so sure about who I was. My younger self would have been flushed with embarrassment at being called a man, but my younger self did not know what I know now.
The year is 2016, and I finally gained the courage to come out of the closet. I first came out to my parents and the conversation was difficult. My parents are former preachers who are devout Christians and Ugandan immigrants. The conversation went as well as you would expect. They did not understand homosexuality which made the journey of accepting myself a long one.
Conversely, my friends were very accepting. The validation made me feel seen and accepted. I clung onto this feeling as hard as I could. However, internally I was still struggling with my self worth and being comfortable with my sexuality.
After coming out, I try to put myself out there and not hide my sexuality. In doing so, I came across many people who were deciding what kind of lesbian I am before getting to know me.
This was hard for me.
I felt like even though I spoke my truth and figured out part of my identity, people were still deciding who I was.
In those moments, I believed them. I believed every last word. Among the many labels butch, dominant, and masculine were all words that would become part of my vocabulary.
In feeling unsure of who I was, I decided to adopt the labels others had given me. I started to live by the arbitrary rules others instilled in me about how a butch lesbian acts. This also started to bleed into the romantic department where new love interests would only see me as one kind of person. I figured if so many people are telling me the same story of who I was, then this must be true.
As time went by, I started to feel the weight of these labels. I felt a large disconnect. I did not feel like me, I felt like a caricature of me. Where is the nuance? Where is the depth? I feel as though I have become someone who was not fully and authentically me.
It was not until my best friend had an impactful conversation with me that opened my eyes.
She told me that the labels are only powerful if you take them on and told me to shed the labels and you will discover who you truly are.
These words rang true to me. Her words resonated with me.
As I continue to step fully into myself and feel confident, I know that no one gets to define me and my story. I start to care less about what others think because I know who I am.
We are more than the labels given to us. We have complexities and nuances that cannot fit into a box. And knowing this gave me the courage to find myself and stay true to who I am.
Instead of taking on the labels, just know that you are much more. I invite you to shed the labels and know that only you can define you.
To inspire you to get out of the box check out our latest video called “Shedding Labels” showing my story of how I overcame the labels and learned to love me for me.
留言