By: Cathleen Marie
Are you looking for that special someone?
Me too! LOL.
For most of my young life the longing of finding that special someone was front and center. There were times when my focus was on,
‘what is wrong with me?’ If only the other person would just open their eyes and see how wonderful I am or when going somewhere new casing the room for that person who will become the ‘someone special.’ Truly a level of obsession.
What most of us may really be looking for in that ‘special someone’ is someone that makes us feel loved, special, and safe. That is reasonable and that person really exists. When I was younger, I did not believe that. For me, those who showed interest would be either totally not my type, little kids or individuals who were institutionalized for being mentally impaired.
I often wondered what was wrong with me.
One day I overheard my dad ask my mom “what is wrong with Cathleen” after I broke up with whomever I was dating at that time. In that moment the feelings that came over me were not pretty, cycling through, anger, self-contempt, and victimization. Then a resolve settled on me. “There is nothing wrong with me!” It was the people that I was dating. Do not get me wrong, I am not saying there is anything wrong with them as a person, they were just wrong for me.
OMG, there were a few who would break up with me and say ‘you deserve better.’ After hearing that from different people the urge to smack someone down was real. What the hell does that mean ‘I deserve better’? Well give me better! Oh, that is the point, isn’t it? They didn’t want to give me something better; that was their way of letting me know and making themselves feel better about it. Let’s face it, cutting things off with someone who is nice is hard. It took me a very long time to see it.
Ok. I deserve better.
I agree, I do deserve better! What is better? How do I find better? These were burning questions. Hitting a brick wall in dating, in meeting people, in finding the right one, it was all very frustrating.
The first step, stop putting myself down. There is nothing wrong with me. Only thing wrong with me would be not being all of me.
You see, when I was really interested in someone, I would hold parts of myself back when trying to attract them.
If I were to meet with my younger self, I would call out the thought process: “If only the other person would just open their eyes and see how wonderful I am.” Instead offer: If only I would open my eyes and see how wonderful I am, prejudged flaws and all.
It is the embracing of all that we are and the willingness to expand as a person that helps others to see us and be drawn to us. To attract the person that is right. It took me almost a lifetime to figure this out. There is a fun story about my turning point, to be shared at another time.
Another thing I would share with my younger self is to be kind to yourself. Say nice things about yourself, believe in you. Stand up for yourself as if you were standing up for an underdog. I was really good at putting myself out there for someone else. Why not do that for myself? Why not you, dear reader, do that for yourself?
My younger self should look for acceptance from within and know, that nothing is ever wasted.
Mistakes, wrong choices, they are all valuable pieces of information. They bring us contrast, assisting us in determining what we do not want which can get us closer to what we do want.
Now for this next tidbit my younger self may want to punch me hard. Enjoy the feelings, all of them. They are an important part of who we are. Our feelings help us in discerning, processing and assimilating information. Some emotions may feel intense and you should definitely get support from friends, families and/or professionals to help navigate those. For most of us, we can work through them on our own, or talk it out with a trusted friend.
Do not be afraid to feel your feelings. They may feel like they can consume you, they will not. You are bigger than anything that has or could happen to you. Feel safe in that. Each time you welcome the feelings, recognize them, work with them, it becomes easier. When you know you are feeling some strong feelings, I do encourage you to take a moment and breathe. Take time to sort the feelings, what is old junk, what is the correct proportion for the current event. This will put you more in touch with your intuition, your internal guidance system, your person’s GPS. In this case GPS is Galactic Person Support hee hee hee clever, right?
I know, young self, this is a lot to share. If the above is challenging, and it may be, I encourage you to look at each situation with this lens:
Is this loving of me and is it loving of them?
Being loving means setting strong boundaries for yourself and others.
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